Day 42: I Have Energy to Give

Forget about my 9:00 class this morning (it was pretty good). Forget about Fight Club (my legs are killing me). None of these classes are important today in and of themselves. What I want to talk about is the concept of giving energy to others.

When I started to think about what I would say today I felt overwhelmed. In fact, I contemplated not blogging today. It seemed too insignificant in light of events that happened about 30 minutes after I left Fight Club. My yoga practice, this blog, none of it seemed to matter. It’s funny how life happens and knocks you upside down, isn’t it? But after I had some time to pull myself together I realized I finally understood a concept that often comes up in class, the concept of sharing and giving our energy to others.

In class, it is common to hear an instructor talk about the overall energy level. Just the other day, an instructor commented on the overall level of energy being strong throughout the class. I’ve also had instructors talk about how we can share our energy with others when they need it and we have extra to give. On the one hand, I understood the idea but I had no idea what it really meant. I had no idea how I might share my energy with you. I think it’s more than me saying, “Keep it up. You can do it!” Actually, since we cannot speak in class I know that’s not how I’m supposed to do it. SoI had no idea how to do it.

Until today. Sweet Girl taught me how.

Some of you are familair with Sweet Girl, and you know the back story. Others of you will not know the back story and you will have to be content with just the basic facts. If we ever meet and have a long evening together perhaps I can fill in the holes. It would take awhile to explain.

But the basic facts are as follow: About two years ago, Mark and I took in a brother and sister (ages 12 and 11) who were in foster care with the intention of adopting them. Sweet Girl is the name I gave the young lady whenever I talked about her in a public place like this. It fit her. Sweet Girl and her brother had a lot of problems that went beyond the scope of what we could handle. We did not adopt them. Last we heard, they were living in a group home.

Cue today.

I’m enjoying a nice cheese quesadilla after Fight Club when I get a text from Mark saying we have received a letter from Sweet Girl. It has a return address and everything. Not only do we know where she’s currently living, but we also know she’s in a psychatric institution. Things must have gotten real bad. They were very bad when we made the decision not to adopt her so I cannot imagine how bad they got. I came up with three reasonable scenarios that could have landed her there. I won’t share them. They are only speculations. They are each horrible.

I asked Mark to read the letter over the phone. I thought it would be stuff like, “I miss you,” and “I’m sorry I did ABC and not XYZ.” I had low expectations.

That was not at all what the letter said.

The letter was a two page synopsis of her life in which she got specific about some of her abuse in a way she has never done before. At the end of the letter, she noted that she used to live with a nice lady (me) who listened to her. She goes on to say that her problems were too much for her to handle and she messed everything up (no you didn’t Sweet Girl). If she could, she would like to relive that part of her life when she lived here. She would like to have a do over.

So now I’m crying into my cheese quesadilla which I have to eat because I only ate a tiny bit of food at 7:00. Force feeding myself when I am upset is not fun. I lose my appetite when I get upset.

Look, we have no idea what she did that caused her to end up at the place she is at. Mark called her social worker, but she isn’t allowed to tell us anything. That’s fine. Once I calmed down I realized I had energy to give her, and she needed all the help and energy she could get. If I can give her energy, and if my energy can be used to help build her strength and help her heal, then she should have it, because I am fine. My life is in a good place. I have energy to spare. I cannot think of a better person to share my energy with.

Tomorrow is Day 43. I don’t know what to expect from it after today. All I know is that people say a benefit to practicing Bikram is no one can tell when you are crying. Everyone will think it’s just sweat if anyone even notices at all.



2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. loribruner
    Jun 14, 2012 @ 17:33:44

    Sending my healing energy to you and your Sweet Girl, Leigh. Putting the events of her life in writing and sending them in a letter to you is already a part of Sweet Girl’s “healing.” You gave her your energy just by serving as a trustworthy recipient. Thinking of you both. Thank you for writing on such a difficult day…


  2. leighahall
    Jun 15, 2012 @ 12:26:43

    Thank you Lori for your kind response.


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