On the last day of the retreat, at the end of the last class, we were all asked to share what we were going to leave behind and what we were going to take away. We sat in a circle, passed a microphone around, and shared. Everyone did this including Rajashree and Emmy.
I knew what I wanted to leave behind: judgment. I had figured this out early on. I spend way to much time judging my postures not just day by day but set by set. If I have a good first set, then I expect second set to at least be the same but hopefully better. If I have an awesome standing head to knee on Monday, then it better be just as good if not better on Tuesday. If I have a crappy head to knee on Monday, it better be less crappy on Tuesday.
Of course, the problem with this is that I am never in the moment with my postures. I am always passing judgment on whatever current state they are in and then thinking through what had better look like the next time around. I’m either ahead of or behind myself but never flowing with myself. The posture is what it is, and I need to start accepting it for what it is at the given moment.
Mary said it so well in the first class of the retreat. To paraphrase, she asked us why we were always in such a hurry to get out of a posture or in such a hurry to get out of class. Her statement resonated with me throughout the rest of the retreat and even when I returned home. I am always in a hurry to get out of certain postures (balancing stick and triangle come immediately to mind). I am sometimes in a hurry to get out class – particularly when I have a lot going on in my personal life that I want to get back to.
But really, why the thoughts of rushing? Where am I going? What does it matter what my postures look like so long as I’m there and doing them?
So I am working on leaving behind self-judgment, particularly as it relates to my postures. I’ve been working on it since I returned, and in a few days I’ll share how that’s going.
Next time, I’ll talk to you about what I chose to take with me.
In the meantime, if you could leave something behind, what would you leave? What doesn’t serve you that you need to let go of?